


Oceans

by crimsoxcore



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, POV Armin Arlert, POV Third Person Limited, Possibly Unrequited Love, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Vent Piece, implied Eremin - Freeform, onesided eremin, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-06-23 03:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15596754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsoxcore/pseuds/crimsoxcore
Summary: Ever since he was a child, Armin has always dreamed of seeing the oceans.





	Oceans

**Author's Note:**

> (Warning; major spoilers lie ahead.)  
> >>This is very triggering if you cannot already tell<<  
> this takes place after the events of season one, episode five when Eren is 'eaten' by the titan. (AS you know; He hasn't really died - but Armin doesn't know that. Just to clear that up to - whoever may read this.)  
> Please also note that this was written freehanded, and hasn't been edited. (Yet.)  
> This is a vent, so it's going to be really dark. If you want a happy story, you've come to the wrong place.

He has no idea how he's even ended up here, covered in bruises and slashed in scars. He's laying on the ground outside the house, previously unconscious. Then, he remembered everything that had happened. Eren had died, eaten by that gigantic, monstrous thing. It didn't deserve a title, 'Titan' sounded too profound. It was all Armin's fault, though and he knew it. 

It was because he had been weak.

The scene was replaying in his head, over and over again. Each time, Armin tried to think of what he should've done if anything - to change the outcome. Even if it cost his own life. Armin's personal reasoning being simple; Eren was more useful and would go so much farther than he ever could. It was a cruel thought, but it was true and Armin knew it. Eren had dreams to find the truth, dreams, and hopes that would never happen now. He even had the kickstart he needed to achieve them, but they had been ruined. They were all ruined.

 _'It was all my fault,_ ' Armin told himself. _'My faultmyfaultmyfaultMYFAULTMYFAULT'_

Armin had dreams too, but they were stupid. Foolish dreams with nothing in his hands to help him accomplish, silly things he thought about as a child and couldn't let go of now.

Armin dreamed the see the oceans.

Gigantic, frivolous, beautiful oceans. Everyone had always laughed at him for it, but not Eren. Eren was the only person he ever felt safe talking about his dreams with, but now he couldn't do that anymore, because Eren was dead. He didn't want to see the oceans without him, it just wouldn't mean the same.

There was no point if he couldn't do it with Eren. No point at all...

'It was not safe to be outside like this,' he thought. 'Eren would yell at me right now if he saw me sulking outside like the pathetic little shit I was,' He thought, bitterly laughing a little at the thought. Eren wasn't here anymore, so he couldn't do anything.  

He moves a bit, and his lower back protests shooting sharp pains up his spine. Armin, however, doesn't care. He looks at his hand, cut and bruised by now from trying, trying without avail to get a grip on the gravel below. 

But they slip out of his fingers, just like Eren did.

It's disgusting, he feels, as he stares down at the black and blue bruises covering his arms. They hurt, but they don't hurt enough. They won't ever be enough to _kill_ him. His eyes scan over the rest of his frail figure, once so strong, and notice that there are more than just bruises littering his fair skin. Some cuts mar it, some ugly looking bruises here and there. It's so hideous, but at the same time, Armin only yearns to add more.

He holds back, refraining. Instead, he keeps his hand clenched, tightly in a fist. His teeth were clenched and his eyes were squeezed shut. No one could see him out here. He slowly gathers all the strength he can, just to stand up at all.

Out of strife, he gets the feeling again. The feeling that's been hitting him on and off ever since it happened. Armin swallows dryly, and his eyes begin to well up with tears again. The choking sensation in his chest arising once again. The tightening sensation in his chest is too constricting, and he urges to sit down again. 

But he doesn't.

Instead, he walks. Slowly walking over to the remains of Eren's house, the remains that were never fixed. He steps inside of the bare looking building, looking around for anything of comfort, to remind him of their days before the fall - before they were shoved into this mess in the first place.

However, the only console he finds is a still-working kitchen sink, with old, molding dishes inside. It smells awful and looks filthy. Just as filthy as Armin feels he is right about now. He raises a weak hand and tries to turn the handle. It still works, and water flows out, flowing endlessly as if nothing is wrong. The pipes must be damaged or something, because it starts to build up in the sink, much to Armin's distaste. The water's overflowing now, but he doesn't have the motivation to stop it.

He had promised himself he wouldn't cry anymore, but the promise was long broken. Tears were pouring down his cheeks and he was shivering all over. Cold, tired.

_Hopeless._

He cries more, even after telling himself he'd stay strong, as that's what Eren would want. He cries more because he misses Eren and is going to be forced to live on without him, fighting for what Eren couldn't finish, even though he knew he only caused the squad trouble. The water from the overflowing sink was collecting around his feet now, but Armin no longer cared. 

He cries more, because he has no idea what he's supposed to do anymore. Although he'd never admit it, Eren was the only reason Armin even had the gut to join the soldiers in the first place. He knew damn well that he didn't belong there.

He didn't belong anywhere, anymore.  
  
He felt ungrateful and worthless. He had a nice roof to live in, was supplied with food every day, but his heart was breaking. Nothing could ever take the place of Eren. Armin had known Eren ever since his childhood, only to realize he was in love with him. That didn't mean a thing, however, because Eren was a boy, too. Armin would be viewed as a dirty outcast even more than he already was. Armin also knew about Mikasa, Eren's stepsister, and how she felt. So he stepped back. He knew she'd be better than he ever could be, and decided to treasure his friend with all he had.

But now, he's let him die. 

"I'm so sorry Eren," Armin mumbled, speaking out loud for the first time in hours. "I've let you down."

His heart felt like it was about to completely burst.

Armin slowly lowers his head and shoves his face into the water. It's ice cold, and it burns his nostrils, but he lets it sink in, flowing it's course through his empty shell. The dirty, smelly water is burning his lungs, and Armin begins to feel lightheaded.

Soon, he begins to feel less and less, only growing more and more numb as it fills him, slowly shutting his body down. 'It won't be much longer now,' he muses, 'until I can be free.'

He closes his burning eyes as his thoughts grow murkier and murkier. His memories fade away, memories of the happy times, when he and the others were still young. The three of them - Eren, Him, and Mikasa - would run about the streets wreaking havoc.

The last thing he remembers, however, is telling Eren about his dream; and how he's always wanted to see the ocean.

His body is begging him to surface again, to breathe, but Armin doesn't allow it. He imagines the dirty sink is the beloved sea he's always dreamed of, the great oceans he wanted to see. As his imagination takes over, he can almost taste the salt and feel the sunshine on his frail, shivering skin. The water enters his ears and nose, feeling as if he's on fire. Armin persists, letting the ocean burn him up, refusing to come up to see the sun. It's too late for that now, anyway.   
  
The feeling is growing to be comforting, in a crazy way.

By now, Armin cannot even tell the difference between his tears and the crashing waters and the dirty sink as the life disappears from him, finally. 'I'm coming to join you, Eren,' he manages to think as he fades away.

Now, Armin will face endless oceans forever, never rising from its waters again.


End file.
